heliopsis

I woke up in the middle of the night, as one does, with the vague notion that there ought to be a word that sounds like "procrastinate" but which alludes to Procrustes from Greek mythology. I got up to go to the bathroom, which is usually the correct response to these midnight musings, and came up with "procrustenate." (sovay may be wincing at the mashup between a Greek name and a Latin ending. Sorry!) Then I started to wonder what the word would mean.

Now, Procrustes was a nasty piece of work. He pretended to be a friendly innkeeper, inviting travellers to spend the night. But he only had one bed, and if you were too short for the bed, he'd stretch you on the rack; and if you were too long for the bed, he'd cut off first your feet, and then your head, to fit you in the bed. As a Very Tall person, you can see why Procrustes' story has always held a grip on my imagination.

So, what would it mean to procrustenate? Well, it would mean to cut off essential things in order to meet an arbitrary requirement. And then I realized with a start that this was a word we have needed for a long time. "I wish the damned Tea Party would stop procrustenating, and get serious for a change."

There are several things I like about this new word, none of them conducive to clear and precise communication. One is, of course, its extreme similarity to an existing word that is just on the edge of familiarity for many people, such that using the new word will leave them utterly confused. Another is that the unstressed syllable simply must be spelled with an 'e,' distinct from the 'i' in its more familiar near-homonym, creating opportunities for generations of pedants to click their tongues in dismay at the ignorance of the spelling public. Finally, Procrustes himself is sufficiently obscure that any well-meaning writer pretty much has to explain him when alluding to him, so the word, while precise and valuable in meaning, is also likely to leave even well-informed people scratching their heads.

You might reasonably object that the semantic space of "words alluding to Procrustes and meaning foolish or dangerous omission in pursuit of arbitrary goals" has already been amply filled with "procrustean," and you would be correct. It's a good, sturdy adjective with a proven track record and plenty of mileage left in it. But it lacks the urgency of a verb, and I think that's what "procrustenate" offers. We no longer have politicians who are willing merely to talk about monstrous cuts to essential programs (and simultaneous, identically vast cuts to taxes on the richest people); no, our current political life is filled with Procrustes' disciples, eager to actually increase the suffering of the poor, the sick and the old in order to "reduce the deficit." Not because there is any actual, pressing need to reduce the deficit (interest rates on government bonds remain at historically low levels) (and anyway, Bush II ran up a much larger deficit pursuing his Thrilling Adventure in Mesopotamia) (and besides, if there were such a need, surely the richest americans wouldn't mind so much having their tax rates raised to, say, the rates charged under Holy Saint Reagan) but because, as far as I can tell, they hate poor, old people and want them to suffer.

So I urge you to use this new word in all your correspondence. It shouldn't be hard to work it into conversations about the economy or the government. You can use its noun form, procrustenation too, but I recommend against creating any new adjectives. Let's leave some room for good old procrustean to breathe.